Our darling Penelope has officially been a part of our family for 4 and a half months now. When I think back about the moment we met her, it still feels like yesterday, but remembering how she was those first few weeks compared to where she is now, I can't even believe its only been a few short months. She truly has come so far. I wish you could see the focus and dedication on her face when you are teaching her something new! This girl is determined and smart, and watching her flourish just brings our hearts so much joy. She is in 3 different therapies a week, occupational, speech, and physical, and each of her therapist are amazed of how well she is doing, and see such a bright future for her!!! To give you a few examples. . . .when she first came home we would go on walks, and she would sit down and scoot herself over the smallest crack. She was unstable, and so fearful, and now this girl can bravely and confidently step off the curb! In China, she never said one word in Mandarin, and now she can say, up, done, gone, eye, dada, bubble, bye, and signs a ton more! She can put on shoes, pull up her pants, and pretty much do any puzzle with her eyes closed! She has also fully embraced our love of family dance parties, and this girl has got some moves. As far as her emotional progress, I think she fully understands that we are hers now! She is so comfortable with us, and her and Paisley have made a full 180. They share, and play together so sweetly (most the time, ha), and they love to hold hands when they walk next to each other. Watching their friendship develop is my favorite. Parker still adores her, and she still is not the biggest fan of all of his affection, but when she does let him hug her, the look of joy on his face could make anyone melt into a puddle! So overall, things are going amazingly well!!!
But with all that said, I also want to be honest, and say this is really hard! I get frustrated with her a lot, not to say that I don't get frustrated with Parker and Paisley, but it feels different with her. The mom guilt is on a totally different level. She has a lot of melt downs throughout the day. If I give any kind of individual attention to Paisley, Penelope will fight for the same, and if I don't immediately give it to her, she lays down on the floor and cries, and scoots away from me if I try and comfort her. This is her response to everything that makes her upset (which seems to every. little. thing), and it can be emotionally draining. I hate admitting that, because coming from an orphanage of course she wants all of my love and attention. So finding a balance of wanting to show her how loved she is, but not wanting to always give in to her meltdowns, and still trying to never let Parker and Paisley feel less important is not something I have not mastered yet, and I am tired! It is also hard to admit that our love for Penny is still growing. I read other adoptive momma's stories, and sometimes get jealous of the ones who say that it was genuine love at first sight with their child. For us, it is taking time. I think it is difficult because so much of what our society portrays love to be is all about feelings, and emotions. I have to remind myself that love looks a lot different in the bible. It is something you choose, and it is an action. It doesn't always come with happy and amazing feelings. And don't get me wrong, we do love her, but the feelings are not always where we wish they were. It takes a lot more work, and intentionality, and when you compare that with the love we have for Parker and Paisley that seems to come so much easier, it doesn't make us feel good. We really hate it, but we know however, that we are still in the bonding season, and it takes time. I struggle to know if I am being too honest, but I think it is important to be real in all of this. It is also helpful for me to feel like I am seen and known in all these struggles, and want other momma's to feel the same. Because some days I can convince myself that everyone else has it all together, and I am the only one who struggles with impatience, and love, and finding joy in this season of mommy-hood! Adoptive momma or not, this gig is really tough, and its truly the best ever, and also the hardest ever! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, and it is so humbling for me, and has taught me SO much about the love God has for me as His daughter. I still can't believe He chose me to raise these precious babes. It is only by relying on His Holy Spirit that gives me any hope that I will do right by them! I'm so thankful for His grace, and that He promises to give us a fresh start every morning! Grace and coffee are on repeat in the Allen home!
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I feel like we are long overdue for an update on how life at home with Penelope is, but I am having a hard time knowing where to even start. So let's just start with this. . . You guys, this is the look she has on her face the majority of the day! Can you even? JOY, just all the joy!!! It is hard to believe that just 7 months ago the decision to adopt her was so hard. I was SO scared, and felt like God was asking me to surrender to a life of uncertainty that I didn't want. Well now she is here, and every day I think to myself, "what did I do to deserve the unbelievable gift of being her mommy?" She's truly like a present from God that we can't believe is ours.
With all that said, the process hasn't been without its struggles. . . a few days after we got home, Penny bit Paisley Jane pretty bad, and my first reaction was, "how dare you bite my daughter." I immediately felt sick with guilt that I would even think that, because of course Penny was my daughter too. But at that point, it didn't feel that way, and I hated it. Even with the two precious babies I grew in my tummy, it took a while for the emotional connection to fully develop so I thought I was prepared for that with Penny. But when you hope for something for so many years, and pray so long for this baby, it's really hard to finally be able to hold her, and have her feel like a stranger in your arms. She also regressed a bit when we got home which also made things hard. She wouldn't let me rock her to sleep anymore, and if she was upset she wouldn't even let me have my hand on her back. . .But I am so happy to tell you that none of that lasted long. She now will run up to Jason and I, put both of her hands on our faces, and kiss us. She snuggles right up under my neck, and fully relaxes, and lets me rock her to sleep. She gives the most amazing, arms around the neck hugs, and looks into our eyes like she is trying to read our souls, ha. We can't believe the transformation our girl has had in just a few short months. Our connection to her is also growing deeper by the day, and I can honestly say that I love her sincerely!! A few little fun facts about Penny. . .She loves to eat. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are her favorite parts of the day! These are closely followed by walks around the neighborhood, bath time and puzzles. She could sit down and do puzzles for hours at a time, and she is amazing at them. She is also doing so well with her sign language, and is learning more every day (especially if its food related.) Parker can't get enough of her, and Paisley Jane and her are still learning how to do life together. Sharing is hard, but even the two of them have come so far. They hold hands sometimes and randomly give each other kisses, and it pretty much kills me! Also, Paisley Jane calls her Minnie (so ridiculously cute.) We know we are just at the beginning of this journey, but overall, we are doing pretty wonderful! We can't stop praising and thanking God! His love is a beautiful thing! "God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." Ephesians 1:5 How do I possibly put into words all that has happened in the past month? To be honest it still kind of feels like a dream. When I sit in the playroom with all three of our kids, I am still having to pinch myself. We had imagined it, and prayed for it for so long, and now that it's finally here it is hard to believe it's real. Penelope is home! I think one of the reasons it still feels so surreal is that none of it feels new. It seems like Penny has been a part of our family for forever. She's a perfect fit, and we can't stop praising God for the beautiful gift of letting us be hers!!! I have no doubt that this girl was always meant to an Allen! The day we met her was pretty magical! Our agency had done their best to prepare us for the realities of "gotcha day." It's in a hot government building, there are tons of other families there, it's fast, and often times there are a lot of screaming kids. Even though the majority of that was true, it was still just amazing. We got there at 2 in the afternoon, were shuffled to a couch to sit on, and were surrounding by other nervous families. One by one names were called, and it was such an incredible joy to be able to witness other families who had also been praying for this for years have their babies placed in their arms. The tears started flowing way before we saw our girl! . . . When we first arrived we weren't sure if Penelope was there yet (as she was traveling 5 hours from her orphanage to get there), but as we were watching all of these other families, and waiting for our turn, we were told that Penny was just on the other side of a curtain just a few feet away from us. I did my best not to peek through the curtain so Jason and I could have the moment of seeing her for the first time together, but through a small crack I "accidentally" saw the doll that we had sent her fall on the floor. I burst into tears. Proof, that she truly was there, and nothing but a curtain separated us. Knowing we were mere moments away from having her in our arms was just the most unexplainable feeling. Just minutes later, our guide called our name. Oh my goodness, it was our turn! She stepped out of the curtain walking hand in hand with two of her nannies, and we dropped to our knees and watched her walk to us, and oh the joy! I wish there words! She was so brave, and so beautiful, and we just loved her so much!! It was so humbling to see God's redemption unfolding right in front of us. Our first 24 hours with her were just wonderful, but the precious girl was so lifeless. She never cried, never had any expression, and would stay completely still wherever we set her. To be honest, I was pretty worried. We didn't know if she was extremely delayed, and didn't know how to express emotion, or if she was just beyond terrified. Well turns out she was just terrified, because the next day we saw her beautiful smile, and just a few days after that she was running around, playing and giggling, and completely melting our hearts! We loved exploring China with her, especially knowing that the majority of what we were doing was her first time to ever experience anything like it! We will forever cherish the memories we made there. I would love to share more pictures, and tell you all about the rest of our trip, but being a mom of 3 who are 3 and under is no joke, and this is all I have time for, ha! So until next time :) . . . P.S. I don't ever want it to appear like everything about this adoption process, and our new life as a family of 5 is all butterflies and rainbows. We have our fair share of hard moments, and lots of months of adjusting ahead of us, but in the short time I have to sit down and write I can't help but focus on all the good that has, and is happening! A phrase that has been on repeat in the Allen house this past week is "divine details." My goodness y'all, He really does care about the details, and it has just been amazing to see everything come together so beautifully!
So to back up just a bit, my precious sister, and her family were devastated by hurricane Harvey. They lost their home, and all their possessions, and while we are praising God for their safety, we are also really grieving for all they have lost. Jason and I wanted to get down to help as soon as we could so we planned to head down last Wednesday. Yet, in the back of my mind I was thinking about our adoption process. We were waiting to receive our travel approval from China, but it was supposed to be up to two weeks before we got that. At that point we knew we would have to drive back to Houston to go to the Chinese consulate to get our visas. So there was a worry that we would make the 8 hour drive to Houston, help my sister, come home, and then have to head back to Houston a week later. So I started praying for a miracle. I asked that somehow we would be able to get our visas while we were in Houston helping out. Well the Tuesday before we headed to Houston, we got an email from our agency that said they got word that they were about to receive our travel approval, and asked if we could have our gotcha day on September 18th! You guys, this came as a shock, because we had gotten an email a few weeks before saying that China's big holiday, the moon festival, was going to be when we originally thought we were going to be able to go pick up Penelope. This meant that hotels would be twice as expensive and the consulate would be closed for over a week, and so we thought we were going to have to postpone things, and maybe not be able to go get her till mid to late October. So my goodness we are just SO excited, and we really do feel like God has been performing miracles on behalf of our Penelope Joy. Things that were supposed to take up to 2 weeks took less that 24 hours, and long story short we were able to get our visas this past weekend when we were in Houston helping my sister and brother-in-law! The song lyrics "He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name" have taken on a whole new meaning for our family! So we leave THIS Friday!!!!!! Well. . . that is what we are praying and hoping for!Things have been a bit of an emotional roller coster, and yesterday my mom went to pick up our visas, and they would not give them to her. They said they had to interview Jason in person. We were just there in person on Thursday, and gave them every piece of documentation required so this was frustrating. But we were going to do whatever we could to get to our girl, so Jason got a flight to Houston yesterday, had an interview with the consulate this morning, and they said we SHOULD have our visas Friday morning. IF they do have them ready for us, my mom will pick them up, take them to my dad, and he will fly a plane to bring them to us so we will still be able to make our Friday evening flights! Whoa. Our dear Penelope, so many people are doing so much to make sure you are in our arms as soon as possible!!! It is hard to pack my suitcase, and know there is still a chance that we may not be able to go, but completely trusting that whatever the outcome, God sees the bigger picture! He has weaved Penelope's precious life with ours so beautifully, and we know He will finish out the story in His perfect timing! But goodness knows we are praying that timing is Monday, September 18th ;) We would really appreciate your prayers about a few specific things in the weeks to come! 1) For health, and protection for our kiddos back home! They are 1 and 3, and definitely a hand full and a little unpredictable so we also want to pray for the PRECIOUS people that are taking care of them for us!!!! 2) For Health and protection for Jason and I! 3) That God would ease Penelope's fears, and that she would feel comfort in our arms! . . .We know the end of the story. We are going to be able to provide a better life for her than she has now, but she doesn't know that. She doesn't understand the concept of mommy and daddy, and her nanny at the orphanage is the only "mommy" she knows, and this woman is going to hand her to us (strangers) and walk away. She doesn't know us, understand us, and we don't look like anyone she has ever seen. She has no way to understand what is going on, and it can be emotionally overwhelming for her heart. So again, we ask that the Holy Spirit would be near, and give peace that passes her understanding! Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your love, support and encouragement! I hope the next blog I post will be pictures of us holding our Penelope Joy!!!!!!! As I talk to people about Penelope's story, there is a common response from everyone when I tell them that she was found in a public place when she was 7 months old. I had the same reaction when I read those words on her file for the first time. How could someone set their baby down on the ground, and then just walk away? What kind of parent would do that? It made me feel desperately sad, but after having learned so much about China through this process, I now feel very differently.
In America we have safe places and options for parents who feel like they can't care for their child, but that kind of thing doesn't exist in China. It is illegal to put your baby up for adoption. So if for any reason you can't care for your child, the only option you have is to abandon them in hopes that they are found, and taken to an orphanage where they will be adopted. So although it sounds terrible that Penelope's momma left her on a sidewalk, Jason and I believe it was the hardest, and most unselfish and loving decision she ever made. This momma carried her in her tummy for 9 months, held her, fed her, and watched her grow for 7 months. I imagine the moment she left her on that sidewalk much like I do Moses' Mom setting him down in the nile. She didn't know what the outcome would be, but she trusted that this was the only option she had to ensure that her child would have a chance at a good life! I picture her standing behind a tree or building nearby watching and waiting till her daughter was found. I believe there is not a day that goes by where she doesn't think about her baby girl, and I wish I could talk to her, and tell her that her that that brave decision she made has a very happy ending!! I am SO thankful for her, and will continue to pray for her, and ask that she would be introduced to Jesus! I hope to hug her neck in heaven!! P.S. Everything with all the government paperwork is going smoothly, and is a little bit ahead of schedule right now! We realize that could change, but if it doesn't and everything continues to go absolutely perfectly from here on out there is a chance we could be heading to China at the End of September! What?!?!?! AHHH :) Trying not to get our hopes up for that, but praying that is the case. P.S.S Jason and I watched the documentary "Find Me" on Netflix this weekend, and I highly recommend it! It follows 3 families who are adopting from China, and it is just amazing! This morning China released a list of new regulations for families wanting to adopt a child. It was a nerve wracking morning waiting to hear back from our case worker to see if these regulations were going to apply to us. One of them is that the youngest child in the home has to be at least 3 years of age. We are SO extremely grateful to learn that because we have already received our letter of Pre Approval that we will be exempt from this new regulation. I know this news however, is so devastating for so many families who are waiting to be matched, but have young babies at home.
I am just in awe of the Lord, and am so amazed by His perfect timing of everything. If we hadn't found Penelope when we did, we would have had to wait another 2 years before we could have been eligible for a child, and then probably would have had to wait a few years after that before we were matched. The fact that we just missed these new regulations by 2 months was no surprise to God. Not that we needed it, but it gives us even more confirmation that we are in line with His plan, and sweet Penelope was always meant to be ours!!! Praising our God today for being so faithful to the desires of our hearts, and also so deeply sad for the families who are hurting by this news! Praying for them today. I am one happy momma right now! We have received our LOA (Letter of Acceptance) from China, and are now in the midst of our final bits of governmental paperwork. It is looking like we will be heading to China sometime in the month of October! We will have just 2 weeks notice before we get on the plane, and will have to head to Houston to get our visas at the consulate there sometime within that two weeks! So goodness knows my suitcase is already on our bedroom floor, and I am doing everything I can to make sure we are ready to go! (p.s. if you don't know me, when I was pregnant, my hospital bag was packed when I was like 4 months along, ha.) . . . But in all seriousness, I have been praying for this child years before we even started our paperwork, and knowing that we are so close to bringing her home is so surreal!
As close as we are to the end of this process, the waiting is still hard! Most days, the 2 videos we have of her are on repeat. I am trying to soak up every detail of her. The way her cute little toes curl when she gets to the top of the slide, and the look she has on her face when she accomplishes her stacking toy make my heart filled with joy, and ache at the same time. . . .I wish there was a way for her to fully understand that she has a mommy and daddy (and brother and sister) that love her SO much. I wish she could see the pictures we have her on our fridge, and know that her big brother talks about his baby sister in China with everyone he comes across. I want her to know she is our family, she is cherished, that the orphanage is not her home, and that her mommy is getting her room ready. The moments Penelope is on my mind the most is when I am rocking Paisley to sleep at night. I hate that I can't do the same for her, but I spend these nights covering her in prayer. In those moments, God has really been speaking to my heart. He reminds me that this ache I feel, is similar to the feeling I should have every day while I am here on earth. This place is not my home, it is an orphanage of sorts. God gave up His son so that He could adopt me, and He longs for me and waits for me, and is preparing a home for me. . . I am so thankful we have His presence, but I don't think it compares to that moment where we will actually be able to see Him, and have Him hold us, and cup our faces in His scarred hands, and hear His voice say our name. To think that the way I long to wrap my arms around Penelope Joy for the first time is just a glimpse of the way He longs to do that with me is so ridiculously humbling. "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!" Psalm 139:17-18 His love is so much greater than my tiny mind can comprehend. Knowing he went to such unbearable lengths to make me His daughter blows my mind, and I wish I could fully appreciate and grasp the reality of it. It has always been our hope and prayer, that the life of our precious Penelope and this adoption journey points others to Him and what He has done for them! God. Is. Good! So so good! Now that we have been able to introduce you to our precious girl, I am going to back a bit, and tell you how we got here. . .
So a couple months ago I had a dear friend tell me she listened to a podcast that made her think of me. A few days later a different friend said she listened to a podcast that she thought I should listen to, and turns out it was the same podcast that my other friend had also mentioned. So at this point I thought I should go ahead and give it a listen. The podcast was an interview with Heather Avis, an adoptive momma of 3, 2 of which had down syndrome. To be honest, I was confused as to why 2 of my friends heard this, and wanted me to listen to it. Yes, it was about adoption, but the main focus was adopting a child with down syndrome. That wasn't going to be my story. We had already filled out our medical special needs list, and without too much thought or discussion had checked "no" next to accepting a child with down syndrome. At any rate, the podcast was very moving, and I remember saying to myself, "I am so thankful there are women like her that say yes to that calling, because I would never be one of them." In the days and weeks to follow, I couldn't stop thinking about the podcast. I couldn't unhear the things that Heather had said. So I casually asked Jason if he would ever adopt a child with down syndrome (not to say that I thought we ever should) just out of curiosity of what he would say. Without hesitating for a second, he said, yes, he would. At this point I thought that maybe God was starting to prepare our hearts for a way he would use us in the special needs community in the future, but still never thought we would ever truly consider adopting a child with DS. I put all these thoughts aside, and weeks went by without any further conversations. All the adoption steps were going smoothly, and our dossier was officially sent off to China. So we were finally in the waiting phase, and if you keep up with us, you can remember that I blogged about finally being able to take a deep breath. Then on April 25th, not even a week later, we were at Rosas for taco tuesday with some friends. We were having casual conversation (while trying to keep the kids from throwing too much rice on the ground), and out of nowhere Jason looks at me and asks, "would you consider changing our paperwork to say it's okay if Penelope has down syndrome?" I looked at my friend, laughed, and said, "WHOA, that is a serious question for taco tuesday." I then immediately started listing out all my fears, "So you're okay if we are never empty nesters? Who is going to take care of her when we die?"etc. I left the restaurant feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he thought we actually consider this. I also had a terrible pit in my stomach, because I began to think that all of this was God starting to truly do something in our hearts. You see I never shared with Jason all the thoughts I had about down syndrome since I listened to that podcast so his question should have blindsided me, but it didn't which really scared me. On the way home I told Jason I would commit to reading the book, "The Lucky Few," which was written by Heather Avis, the lady that was interviewed in the podcast I had listened to. Wednesday was emotional. Lots of thoughts that consumed my head and heart with worry, and to be honest I just felt burdened. This was not the plan. I have been wanting to adopt since I was a little girl, and this was not what I pictured. This is not what I wanted. . .Wednesday night we were at church worshipping with the youth group, and we started singing the song, Oceans. As I was singing the words, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me," I had to stop singing. Tears immediately began streaming down my face, because I didn't mean those words. I didn't want to be in a place where my trust was without boarders. But all of the sudden I had this overwhelming gut feeling that can only come from the Holy Spirit, and I could hear Him telling me to step out of the boat. This couldn't be real, "I don't want these waters, God please let me stay in my boat." Thursday, Jason brought home, "The Lucky Few." I immediately started reading it, and had tears in my eyes through every page. Then I read her words, "I wonder how many times we, his children, choose a comfortable no over a terrifying yes - the kind of yes that leads us to the only place we should ever long to be: in the arms of Jesus." There it was again, that undeniable gut feeling that God was calling me to say yes. For months God has been convicting me of my desire to just live a life that is comfortable. That is what I want, but I also have such a strong fear that I am going to get to heaven, and stand before God, and realize that I missed it. I don't want to look back and truly understand how short life was, and that God had so much more for me, but I chose comfort instead of being used by Him. (I am not saying that if we had continued on with the adoption in the way we had originally planned that God would have been disappointed or that it would have been easier, but for me this was a much harder yes that took me way out of my comfort zone.) Friday, I texted a few friends and told them what was going on, and asked them when they could come over (in hopes that they would justify my fears, and tell me that I could not handle this.) My friend texted me separately a bit later, and said she had a friend from high school who adopted a little girl from China who had down syndrome just a couple of weeks ago (Okay God, I'm listening.) She gave me her name, and I looked them up on Facebook. As I was scrolling through her pictures from their trip to China, I had another undeniable gut (Holy Spirit) feeling, but this time it wasn't a fearful, and reluctant feeling, it was a joy filled feeling! In that moment I felt a peace that passed my understanding, and my fears turned into a crazy excitement. I didn't want to just step out of my comfortable boat, I wanted to jump! This, was God taking over!!! It is only by His Holy Spirit that my terrified no, SO quickly turned into a JOY FILLED yes!!! I have never felt the Holy Spirit in such a way like I did in that moment. In the days to follow, Jason and I met and talked with several families, and with every conversation we had we were filled with confirmation upon confirmation! Now, are we still a bit scared? Yes, but we have been filled with such peace and trust in Him. He's totally got this. Like my precious friend Maurie posted the other day, "You don't have to understand the how when you trust the who!" We can't begin to express to you how absolutely overjoyed and honored we are that God lead us to this decision, and this beautiful and perfect baby girl. He is so good! . . . There is still so much more to this story, but this blog post is feeling more like a book, so i'll save it for another time. Thank you for being in our village friends! Your love, encouragement, and support have blessed us so ridiculously much! It hasn't even been a month since our last blog update, but it strangely feels more like a year after all God has done in our hearts and lives. . . This is a really inadequate way of explaining it, but the past several weeks have kind of felt like one of those amazing suspense movies where the end completely blows your mind. You didn't see it coming, but now that you know the ending, the entire movie makes sense, and you want to go to starbucks and talk about it for hours and unwrap every detail, because it was just. that. good. God has been preparing our hearts for years for this journey He has set us on. It was a bit of a surprise to us, but now that we are here, we have been able to look back and see how His hand has clearly guided each and every step that has lead us to this point. It has been an overwhelmingly beautiful thing to be able to feel His spirit move in such an evident and tangible way. There are so many divine details in this story that we will share soon, but we can't keep the news to ourselves any longer! . . . We have our beloved and precious daughter!!!! Meet Penelope Joy Allen. . . We. Are. Overjoyed!!!!!!!! And SO grateful God lead us to this precious girl! (Hey guys, Jason here!) . . . There is something you need to know about our Penelope. Something that is really hard for us to know how to bring up. Something that we don't know exactly how to share with others, because God sees it so differently than we do. Here it is: She is created by God and CHOSEN to be in our family. That feels so good to get off our chest. . .We fully believe God chose us to adopt her from the moment we saw her profile. Oh, and Penelope also has down syndrome, which is a beautiful part of her! We aren't loving her in spite of her down syndrome, we have chosen to love her, as down syndrome is a part of who she is. Can I speak honestly for a second? We have had this ongoing fear about how to tell people she has down syndrome. Do we tell them at all, or just let them find out? Do we just announce it and get that portion over with, so its not a secret that we don't know how to bring up? Honestly, we don't know the right step, but we do know we don't want her to be ashamed of ever having it, so we don't want to talk about it as if we are ashamed either. She has down syndrome, she is so happy, clearly learning, and so beautiful. It is a part of who she is, but it is not who she is. We know how much joy she will bring to our lives and others. Every part of her will be used by God to advance His kingdom. We only want to be a family that lifts her up on that journey. What a blessing for us!!! We are excited to bring her home to be with our family! Another blog post explaining how God lead us to this decision coming soon :) "No, I will not abandon you as orphans - I will come to you!" John 14:18 Now that we have been able to introduce you to our precious girl, I'm going to back up a bit and share with you how we got here. . . A couple of months ago I had a dear friend tell me she listened to a podcast that made her think of me. A few days later a different friend said she listened to a podcast that she thought I should listen to, and turns out it was the same podcast that my other friend had also mentioned. So at this point I thought I should go ahead and give it a listen. The podcast was an interview with Heather Avis, an adoptive momma of 3, 2 of which had down syndrome. To be honest, I was confused as to why my friends thought of me when they heard this, and why they thought I should listen to it. Yes, it was about adoption, but the main focus was about adopting a child with down syndrome. That wasn't going to be my story. We had already filled out our medical special needs list, and without too much thought or discussion had checked "no" next to accepting a child with down syndrome. At any rate, the podcast was very moving, and I remember saying to myself, "I am so thankful there are women like her that say yes to that calling, because I would never be one of them." In the days and weeks to follow, I couldn't stop thinking about the podcast. I couldn't unhear the things that Heather had said. So I casually asked Jason if he would ever adopt a child with down syndrome (not to say that I thought we ever should) just out of curiosity of what he would say. Without hesitating for a second, he said, yes, he would. At this point I thought that maybe God was starting to prepare our hearts for a way he would use us in the special needs community in the future, but still never thought we would ever truly consider adopting a child with DS. I put all these thoughts aside, and weeks went by without any further conversations. All the adoption steps were going smoothly, and our dossier was officially sent off to China. So we were finally in the waiting phase, and if you keep up with us, you can remember that I blogged about finally being able to take a deep breath. Then on April 25th, not even a week later, we were at Rosas for taco tuesday with some friends having casual conversation while trying to keep the kids from throwing too much rice on the ground, and out of nowhere Jason looks at me and asks, "would you consider changing our paperwork to say it's okay if Penelope has down syndrome?" I looked at my friend, laughed, and said, "WHOA, that is a serious question for taco tuesday." I then immediately started listing out all my fears, "So you're okay if we are never empty nesters? Who is going to take care of her when we die?" etc. I left the restaurant feeling overwhelmed that he thought we should actually consider this. It also made me nervous, because I hadn't been sharing with Jason all the thoughts I had been having about down syndrome since I listened to the podcast so this question should have blindsided me, but the fact that it didn't made me think God was doing was starting something. On our way home, I told Jason I would commit to reading the book, "The Lucky Few," which was written by Heather Avis, the lady that was interviewed in the podcast I had listened to. Wednesday was emotional. Lots of thoughts that consumed my head and heart with worry, and to be honest I just felt burdened. This was not the plan. I have been wanting to adopt since I was a little girl, and this was not what I pictured. This is not what I wanted. . .Wednesday night we were at church worshipping with the youth group, and we started singing the song, Oceans. As I was singing the words, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me," I had to stop singing. Tears immediately began steaming down my face, because I didn't mean those words. I didn't want to be in a place where my trust was without boarders. But all of the sudden I had this overwhelming gut feeling that can only come from the Holy Spirit, and I could feel Him asking me to step out of the boat. Fear overwhelmed me, and my future felt blurry, and I kept repeating, "God, I don't want these waters, please let me stay in my boat." Thursday, Jason brought home, "The Lucky Few." I immediately started reading it, and I had tears in my eyes through every page. Then I read these words, "I wonder how many times we, his children, choose a comfortable no over a terrifying yes - the kind of yes that leads us to the only place we should ever long to be: in the arms of Jesus." And there it was again, that undeniable gut feeling that God was calling me to say yes. For months God has been convicting me of my desire to just live a life that is comfortable. That is what I want, but I also have such a strong fear that I am going to get to heaven, stand before God, and realize that I missed it. I don't want to look back, and truly understand how short life was, and that there was so much more that God had for me, but I chose comfort over being used by Him. (I am not saying that if we continued on with the adoption in the way we had origianally planned that God would have been disappointed, or that it would have been easier, but for me this was a harder, yes, and took me way out of my comfort zone.) Friday, I texted a few friends and told them what was going on, and asked them when they could come over (in hopes that they would justify my fears, and tell me that I could not handle this.) My friend texted me separately a bit later, and said she had a friend from high school that just adopted a little girl from China who had down syndrome just a couple of weeks ago (okay God, I am listening). She gave me her name, and I looked them up on Facebook. As I was scrolling through her pictures from their trip to China, I had another undeniable gut (Holy Spirit) feeling, but this time it wasn't a fearful, and reluctant feeling, it was a joy filled feeling! In that moment I felt a peace that passed my understanding, and my fears turned into a crazy excitement. I didn't want to just step out of my comfortable boat, I wanted to jump! This, was God taking over!!! It is only by His Holy Spirit that my terrified no, SO quickly turned into a joy FILLED yes!!! In the days to follow Jason and I met and talked with several families, and with every conversation we had, we were filled with confirmation upon confirmation! . . . Now, are we still a bit scared? Yes, but we have been filled with such peace and trust in Him. Like my precious friend Maurie posted the other day, "You don't have to understand the how when you trust the who!" He's totally got this, and we feel SO privileged that He lead us to this decision! He is so good! Still so much more to this story, but this blog post is feeling more like a book, so until another time! Thanks for being in our village friends! Your love, encouragement, and support have blessed us so ridiculously much! |
AuthorI am a proud stay at home momma who unashamedly instagrams way too many pictures of her kids, loves decorating, Christmas, and coffee, and has a small obsession with Gilmore Girls. Archives
May 2017
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