Now that we have been able to introduce you to our precious girl, I am going to back a bit, and tell you how we got here. . .
So a couple months ago I had a dear friend tell me she listened to a podcast that made her think of me. A few days later a different friend said she listened to a podcast that she thought I should listen to, and turns out it was the same podcast that my other friend had also mentioned. So at this point I thought I should go ahead and give it a listen. The podcast was an interview with Heather Avis, an adoptive momma of 3, 2 of which had down syndrome. To be honest, I was confused as to why 2 of my friends heard this, and wanted me to listen to it. Yes, it was about adoption, but the main focus was adopting a child with down syndrome. That wasn't going to be my story. We had already filled out our medical special needs list, and without too much thought or discussion had checked "no" next to accepting a child with down syndrome. At any rate, the podcast was very moving, and I remember saying to myself, "I am so thankful there are women like her that say yes to that calling, because I would never be one of them." In the days and weeks to follow, I couldn't stop thinking about the podcast. I couldn't unhear the things that Heather had said. So I casually asked Jason if he would ever adopt a child with down syndrome (not to say that I thought we ever should) just out of curiosity of what he would say. Without hesitating for a second, he said, yes, he would. At this point I thought that maybe God was starting to prepare our hearts for a way he would use us in the special needs community in the future, but still never thought we would ever truly consider adopting a child with DS. I put all these thoughts aside, and weeks went by without any further conversations. All the adoption steps were going smoothly, and our dossier was officially sent off to China. So we were finally in the waiting phase, and if you keep up with us, you can remember that I blogged about finally being able to take a deep breath. Then on April 25th, not even a week later, we were at Rosas for taco tuesday with some friends. We were having casual conversation (while trying to keep the kids from throwing too much rice on the ground), and out of nowhere Jason looks at me and asks, "would you consider changing our paperwork to say it's okay if Penelope has down syndrome?" I looked at my friend, laughed, and said, "WHOA, that is a serious question for taco tuesday." I then immediately started listing out all my fears, "So you're okay if we are never empty nesters? Who is going to take care of her when we die?"etc. I left the restaurant feeling overwhelmed by the fact that he thought we actually consider this. I also had a terrible pit in my stomach, because I began to think that all of this was God starting to truly do something in our hearts. You see I never shared with Jason all the thoughts I had about down syndrome since I listened to that podcast so his question should have blindsided me, but it didn't which really scared me. On the way home I told Jason I would commit to reading the book, "The Lucky Few," which was written by Heather Avis, the lady that was interviewed in the podcast I had listened to. Wednesday was emotional. Lots of thoughts that consumed my head and heart with worry, and to be honest I just felt burdened. This was not the plan. I have been wanting to adopt since I was a little girl, and this was not what I pictured. This is not what I wanted. . .Wednesday night we were at church worshipping with the youth group, and we started singing the song, Oceans. As I was singing the words, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me," I had to stop singing. Tears immediately began streaming down my face, because I didn't mean those words. I didn't want to be in a place where my trust was without boarders. But all of the sudden I had this overwhelming gut feeling that can only come from the Holy Spirit, and I could hear Him telling me to step out of the boat. This couldn't be real, "I don't want these waters, God please let me stay in my boat." Thursday, Jason brought home, "The Lucky Few." I immediately started reading it, and had tears in my eyes through every page. Then I read her words, "I wonder how many times we, his children, choose a comfortable no over a terrifying yes - the kind of yes that leads us to the only place we should ever long to be: in the arms of Jesus." There it was again, that undeniable gut feeling that God was calling me to say yes. For months God has been convicting me of my desire to just live a life that is comfortable. That is what I want, but I also have such a strong fear that I am going to get to heaven, and stand before God, and realize that I missed it. I don't want to look back and truly understand how short life was, and that God had so much more for me, but I chose comfort instead of being used by Him. (I am not saying that if we had continued on with the adoption in the way we had originally planned that God would have been disappointed or that it would have been easier, but for me this was a much harder yes that took me way out of my comfort zone.) Friday, I texted a few friends and told them what was going on, and asked them when they could come over (in hopes that they would justify my fears, and tell me that I could not handle this.) My friend texted me separately a bit later, and said she had a friend from high school who adopted a little girl from China who had down syndrome just a couple of weeks ago (Okay God, I'm listening.) She gave me her name, and I looked them up on Facebook. As I was scrolling through her pictures from their trip to China, I had another undeniable gut (Holy Spirit) feeling, but this time it wasn't a fearful, and reluctant feeling, it was a joy filled feeling! In that moment I felt a peace that passed my understanding, and my fears turned into a crazy excitement. I didn't want to just step out of my comfortable boat, I wanted to jump! This, was God taking over!!! It is only by His Holy Spirit that my terrified no, SO quickly turned into a JOY FILLED yes!!! I have never felt the Holy Spirit in such a way like I did in that moment. In the days to follow, Jason and I met and talked with several families, and with every conversation we had we were filled with confirmation upon confirmation! Now, are we still a bit scared? Yes, but we have been filled with such peace and trust in Him. He's totally got this. Like my precious friend Maurie posted the other day, "You don't have to understand the how when you trust the who!" We can't begin to express to you how absolutely overjoyed and honored we are that God lead us to this decision, and this beautiful and perfect baby girl. He is so good! . . . There is still so much more to this story, but this blog post is feeling more like a book, so i'll save it for another time. Thank you for being in our village friends! Your love, encouragement, and support have blessed us so ridiculously much!
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AuthorI am a proud stay at home momma who unashamedly instagrams way too many pictures of her kids, loves decorating, Christmas, and coffee, and has a small obsession with Gilmore Girls. Archives
May 2017
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